In The Quiet

A story about the quietness of expressing love when words only take the moment away. This is a 1st draft of a story idea I promised to write.

In the Quiet

I wasn’t thinking about what she wanted in that moment when I should have been thinking about why and not how to say what was on my mind. The revolutions my mind was spinning fought against…the quiet.

She leaned into me, the silken coarseness of her braids against my bare chest was a feeling she knew I luxuriated in, there was intentionality and purpose in that simple gesture. Why couldn’t I accept it and let it blend into the music that was matching her mood? The quiet, it just begs to be filled with chaos and palaver.

“Yo, quit shifting,” she chided her voice as calm as her the touch of her skin. She carefully wrapped her slender arm across my chest and sighed to let me know there was contentment going on her head.

“I could if you remembered how itchy your damn head is when your braids need to be redone.” I knew the moment those words were beginning on my tongue I should have just stayed quiet. The slow shake of her head as she lifted from me said more than I wanted her to say, but. But you know we have to have these ‘fuck it’ moments when it isn’t about reason, it’s about the quiet.

“Your ass has been wanting to this all fuckin’ day. All I want is to be here with you and you’re shittin’ on this peace….,” she started in. She knew she didn’t have to finish what her eyes were flashing.

“Why is it every time I’m not on your page you give me South Central like you didn’t work your ass off at Columbia to leave that behind?,” I knew if I didn’t get in front of her anger whatever was messing with my own head was going to get lost.

As she climbed off of me to sit against the headboard of our bed, I could see her recalculating but not bending.

“Nigga’ you think somehow education cast the me that…,” she started her voice still calm but the edge of her still bit like the many times her teeth pulled at my skin with purpose when we meant things to hurt for good. “…you told me you feel in love with away? You got something on your mind then fuckin’ ball up and say it.” She declared her voice still barely above volume.

As I climbed out of bed, I dragged the sheets away with my movement leaving her porcelain ebony skin exposed. In that moment she adjusted to the control she knew my drinking in the supple length of legs as she eased sideways to expose the curve of her hip. We locked eyes for just a moment…the quiet returning, an offer of détente in war that hadn’t yet escalated. Her hawkish brown eyes smiled up at me as her lips closed into a bemused smirk.

As soon as the quiet seemed to take life again she pulled the sheets back, clutching them to her. Wrapping her arms around her knees resting on her chest, protective and daring me to reach for them

“No, not now muthafuka. This ain’t about your dick getting’ hard after you fucked up my quiet. I was laying here letting H.E.R. help us find a place to make love again, but now you get me, and I know you weren’t tryin’ for that.” She waved her hand as if she were giving me the floor. The right to break the quiet.

“Fuck you!”, I snarled as I tried to make my 6’ frame bigger.

“Magnus, babe just say it. You do this way too often, maybe we should just have this out.” she pushed. Her tone was gentle, but the burn of her eyes weren’t offering peace. She pointed to the end of the bed for me to sit. As I moved to sit beside her, she held her hand up and pointed again.

If I was going to gain strength sitting where she wanted wasn’t the move to make. I moved to her side only to be met with her wave towards where she demanded I go. Will was not going to give in to control so I paced making sure the sound of my feet made an impact on the hardwood floors.

She smiled as she watched my measured defiance. But she didn’t speak. She pointed once again, and the lift of her brow said she wouldn’t be making the gesture again. I stood in space and stared at the cool fabric that she was now wrapped in like some cape of honor and privilege.

My mind continued to race as if it was trying out run the beat of my heart which was quickening with every unsaid word. She closed her eyes as she leaned back her chest rising with each shallow breath as she waited in the quiet as Damage played in the background of our quiet.

It brought me back to the day proposed to her just hours before we graduated. We were getting dressed, our gowns splayed across the bed. My nerves were wrapped around the quiet of my nerves as I paced the room with a small ring box in my hand. Her back was to me, the beauty of her dancer curves as still as the breeze from the open window.

I knelt to one knee the beads of sweat building on my lips. She turned to me the surprise on her face shocking me, leaving ne wondering was I making the wrong grand gesture. There we stood in quiet eyes darting between the box in my shaking palm and each other’s eyes.

I could see she was cautious about responding. She stood in place silent and steady but all the while telling me in the smallest of ways to simply hold the words.

“This isn’t an obligation you’re required to live up to.,” she said in that liquid tone I could never resist. “The things we promise between the sheets or in those idyllic moments of puppy love…aren’t cemented in stone.”

As I started to speak, she gently tilted her head to one side, her smile suggesting quiet was the right place for me to be. She continued with her thoughts.

“Sometimes there are worlds that shouldn’t match up. There is caring and there is love. You care for me, right,” she prompted. I nodded.

“You love me…and honestly I love you too.,” she sighed. “But I also care for you and that care isn’t going to be defined by that box that says love.”

I wasn’t certain where I should go but words weren’t what she was looking for. She crossed to me her smile breaking my heart as she knelt next to me. She closed her hand around mine and closed the lid of the box as she rested her head on my shoulder and I could feel the silent drop of her tears falling onto my cheek.

She shook her head and simply mouthed a quiet no. In that moment I learned from her how quiet can calm even the deepest disappointment.

I remembered that day as she stared at me freezing me into the same quiet as that day five yeas ago. I stood just as I had knelt then giving into her control of a moment in ways that I had learned to understand.

She smiled as a tear began to roll down her cheek a small rivulet finding its way to the corner of her luscious lip. She pointed again towards the spot on the bed she beckoned me to sit before. As I complied, she reached for the nightstand. She opened the drawer slowly. All I could do was follow, wanting desperately to break the quiet.

Her hand returned to the now unfurled sheet holding a box, the box. I looked at her broken in the moment. I watched as she opened the box revealing the very ring I had offered on that day she turned my gesture away.

“Did you really think I didn’t know what had you so desperate all day?” She gently chided. “You are such a clueless romantic.” She reached a tiny finger towards the tears spilling onto her cheeks bringing her slender finger towards my lips forcing them open as she allowed a single drop to fall onto my tongue.

“If you had just asked, I would have said fuck yes and we would still be making quiet love.”

I started to speak but she closed my lips around her finger allowing the taste of her salty tear linger and we sat in the quiet of the yes, she no longer had to speak.